After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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