"it" just moved
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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