Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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