I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize