I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
