OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
