You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
where are you?
Hypothermia
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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