ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
