Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize