i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
