made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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