so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
