Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
