he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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