eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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