hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
