Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
