If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
