i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
