Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
