Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
