I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
