y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
