just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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