At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
