Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
