Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
