update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
