he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
