i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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