This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize