high people should be assigned attendants
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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