Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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