Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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