I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
