Jerry, you need to find god
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
