i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
