Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
