I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just pee around me
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
