Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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