is your mom at the bar?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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