so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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