We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize