he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
