i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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