no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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