i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I checked into jail on foursquare
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
