i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
