I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
