You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
