my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
