in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
