dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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