I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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