Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
