We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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