i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize