we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
